Listen up EVERYONE! You Can’t Change Your Partner
Posted: January 14, 2016
Have you considered Martial Counseling in Pembroke Pines?
If only he was more affectionate, then it would be perfect. If only he cared more about this or that or that or this. If only he could change this one part of how he acts. If only she would be more open. If only, if only, if only. This is a common theme I hear in Martial counseling in Pembroke Pines: “I want my partner to change”. Most people are not consciously aware that they want their partner to change but with some discussing and dissecting, there comes a point where a person can admit that they want their partner to change, even if it’s a small thing. One thing I have learned by counseling adults, especially in couples counseling, is people don’t really change. If your husband is outgoing and loud and obnoxious, he’s probably not going to scale it down at holidays and family events. If your wife likes to gossip with her friends, she’s not going to stop because she gets busy in life. People are basically who they are and unless they have an innate desire to change, you are going to have to take people as they are.
There are differently exceptions to the rules. A lot of people come to a point in their lives when they are unhappy and want relief from depression and anxiety. They might start going to therapy, attend some personal development course, read self-help books and start on a journey of self-discovery. What I’ve found is most people who enter into therapy with me want to smooth out the rough edges, as opposed to completely changing the shape.
If you find yourself focusing on changing your partner’s behaviors, here is a list of things you can do instead to improve your relationship.
1.Love Yourself
Take care of yourself in whatever situation you find yourself in. If your partner likes to yell, when they begin to yell figure out a way to nurture and love yourself. That may include leaving the room, setting boundaries or disengaging in another manner. Work on loving yourself at all times and see the shift other people make in loving you too.
2.Make a list of all the things you love about your partner
If you find yourself questioning why you are in the relationship, make a list of all the things you love about your partner. Anchor down all those good feelings about them. Remind yourself why you picked this person to have and to hold.
3.Identify deal breakers and limits
There are going to be certain things that people do that are going to be unacceptable to you. It’s important to figure those things out and set your boundaries accordingly. For instance, your spouse might drink two times a week. If that progresses into seven days a week that might be a deal breaker for you. Figuring out your limits is an important step in this process of discovering what you want in a relationship.
4.Tell your partner everyday three things you are grateful for about them
Everyday tell your partner three things you appreciate about them. Do it right before you go to sleep at night. Living in gratitude is a much healthier way to live in a marriage than in resentment and annoyance. Start today! Call or text your partner right now and tell them three things you appreciate about them.
5.Forgive your partner
Forgiveness is a big topic in my blogposts. It’s the way out of resentment and into a happy and healthy relationship. If there are things from the past that have happened that you are holding on to, it’s probably time to forgive your partner. Let go and love them! Learn how to Let Go of Resentments and Live in Forgiveness.
When you shift your perspective to changing how you feel and react to your partner’s stuff, you will find greater fulfillment in your relationship. At times, couples counseling is needed to address bigger issues that can’t be resolved on your own. And there are going to be some deal breakers you have to walk away from, like physical violence. In the end, we all just want to be loved and appreciated for who we are. How can you show your partner love and acceptance today?
Amanda Patterson, LMHC, CAP decided to become a therapist while attending Nova Southeastern University. She saw the need to help people achieve the life they wanted to live, while creating a life of her own. She completed her master’s in Mental Health Counseling and started a career in the juvenile justice arena. Since then, she has started a private practice in Pembroke Pines, Florida, specializing in depression, anxiety relationship issues, and substance abuse. Amanda provides Martial counseling in Pembroke Pines. Amanda is a believer in holistic treatment and she practices veganism, meditation and yoga in her life. Find out more about her practice here. For a free 15-minute consultation, call or text Amanda at 954-378-5381 or email her at amanda@amandapattersonlmhc.com.